How self-aware are you REALLY?
Self-awareness is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.
Years ago, in the last days of my marriage, I didn’t know myself at all. I was disconnected from what I thought, how I felt, what I wanted. I spent most of my downtime engaging in numbing behaviors (reading was my numbing of choice) so I didn’t have to look at my life.
And yet, if you had asked me then, I’d likely have told you I knew myself well.
After my divorce, I did some significant work to get to know myself. I remember one afternoon saying to a man I was casually seeing something like, “I know that about myself. I own it. I’m working on it.”
He responded, “Are you REALLY working on it? Or are you just saying that to make yourself feel better?”
Busted!
Of course I got angry at this and dove deep into it in my journal, trying to figure out why it bothered me so much. The answer: I wasn’t really self-aware. I knew some little bits about myself and I justified that knowing what I did was enough.
(Surprise! It wasn’t!)
After this, I really dug into my efforts to grow my self-awareness.
So many of us walk around thinking we’re self-aware. And, yes, some of us are. But I’m sure you can think of at least one person off the to of your head right now who thinks they’re self-aware, but their actions say otherwise.
Harvard Business Review published an article in 2018 by Tasha Eurich, PhD, who conducted a study with nearly 5,000 participants; At the end, she concluded that only 10-15% of the participants actually fit the definition of self-awareness.
Eurich and her team used two working definitions for self-awareness:
Internal self-awareness - how clearly we see our own values, passions, aspirations, fit with our environment, reactions (including thoughts, feelings, behaviors, strengths, and weaknesses), and impact on others.
External self-awareness, means understanding how other people view us, in terms of those same factors listed above.
Individuals who held internal self-awareness, they determined, were more likely to have higher job and relationship satisfaction, personal and social control, and happiness; they were less likely to experience anxiety, stress, and depression.
Individuals who held external self-awareness, on the other hand, were more skilled at showing empathy and taking others’ perspectives.
And as their research showed no relationship between the two types of self-awareness, they developed four leadership archetypes based on what they observed:
I know I don’t generally write about leadership, so I’m going to look at this through a personal and relational lens.
And I’m going to admit to you that after years of focusing on getting to know myself, I’d probably call myself an Introspector with big aspirations to become Aware.
(Some days, when I’m really tuned in, I can get there.)
Being Aware - knowing who I am, what I want to accomplish, and seeking out and valuing others’ opinions - feels so good. And it makes all of my relationships better.
(Let me add a caveat here - I’m not seeking out and valuing everyone’s opinions; just the folks who are relevant and important to where I’m at in my life and what I’m wanting to accomplish. That list is very small, and part of being self-aware has been in determining whose opinions of me and what I do actually matter.)
When I’m Aware, I make decisions that are aligned with my values. I think about what I’m going to say before letting words just tumble out of my mouth. I am intentional about how I communicate important things. I am tuned in to how I’m making others around me feel. I take responsibility for my actions and am quick to admit and apologize when I’ve made a mistake. I ask for help and feedback from the folks whose opinions and experiences matter.
This is who I want to be all the time.
I spent time this weekend binge watching The Tourist on Netflix.
If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a man who wakes up in the Australian outback with no memory and has to figure out who he is before his past catches up to him.
What I loved about the show is the other main character - Helen, the police officer who’s helping him figure out who he is , and the journey she goes through in the process.
Helen is engaged to this man, Ethan, who is - to put it quite simply - awful. He constantly talks down to her, puts her down, holds her back. And when she finally realizes enough is enough and calls it quits, Ethan goes on this journey to take responsibility for his actions and make amends.
He flies across the world to apologize to Helen in person, displaying a complete lack of external self-awareness, as exemplified in this clip below:
(Yes, this was part of his apology! 🤦♀️)
As we watched, I kept groaning as Ethan, over and over, kept making his lack of self-awareness apparent to everyone but himself.
While we can’t do much about other people’s lack of self-awareness, we can focus on growing our own.
Journaling, you won’t be surprised to hear, is my absolute favorite way I’ve worked on mine. It’s been my safe place to explore who I am, uncover my values, determine what I want and need for my life now and in the future. It’s where I work to understand my thoughts and feelings, take responsibility for my actions, and examine tough situations to determine how to move forward.
There’s magic in journaling - in carving out space and time for reflection, and working through our lives on paper (or in audio or video if that’s your jam). And don’t let it’s simplicity fool you; journaling can be one of the most powerful tools we have at our disposal as we do the work.
Are you using your journaling practice to become more self-aware?
If you want help creating a practice that helps you do this, let’s chat!
Journal Prompts
Use these prompts as written or as inspiration to uncover what you need in your life this week. And know that I’m always here to support you and answer questions you have along the way!
How self-aware do you consider yourself?
Where do you identify on the chart above?
Where do you have room to grow in developing your internal self-awareness?
How can you improve it?
Where do you have room to grow in developing your external self-awareness?
How can you improve it?
Why do you want to increase your self-awareness?
What benefits will it bring you?
What relationships will greater self-awareness improve?
Journaling Fun and Support
My weekly livestream is back! Join me on Tuesdays at 8pm Eastern as I welcome a series of guests who do interesting, fun things that tie into journaling! This week, I welcome my friend Pippa Haywood to talk about Spiritual Magic! Tune in on LinkedIn, YouTube, or Facebook (if you’re my mom!). Missed last week’s session on The 6 Types of Working Genius? Catch it HERE.
It’s almost time for our next Journaling Mini-Retreat! Join me on Wednesday, March 20 at 7:30pm Eastern for an hour of self-care, self-love, and connection. Register for free HERE.
Have you signed up yet for the 7-Day Journaling Challenge?
Seven of my favorite sets of journal prompts delivered straight to your inbox over the next week, designed to help you get to know yourself better. Because self-discovery —> self-compassion —> self-love. And isn’t that what the world needs now? Love, sweet self-love. Register for free HERE.
Happy Journaling!
It's hard to measure what others perceive us as. I have consciously worked on being more aware of what I think, say, and do by reflecting on the impact thereof. It's a work in progress.